


Santa's Letterbox

by brain_problems



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Killing Game (Dangan Ronpa), Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Presents, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, i only wrote this so i could rhyme v-3rd with preferred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:15:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28026885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brain_problems/pseuds/brain_problems
Summary: 𝕽emember the cast from the last (V-3rd) season?Some put trust in their friends, others much preferred treason.But let's set aside all thoughts of horrid bloodletting,And look at these kids in aholidaysetting.We all know what they say throughout standardised banter...But what will they write in theirletters to Santa?There's much smiling, some teardrops and laughter all 'round.Oh? Don't worry, these rhymes are just summary-bound.(nailed it, poetry's easy as hell)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 21





	Santa's Letterbox

**Author's Note:**

> **Warning: Maki's letter gets kind of sad I guess. Miu's here.**
> 
> I'm taking a break from other stuff to bring you a brief injection of Danganronpa-themed Holiday joy! I sincerely apologize for the awful, awful poetry.

Hey there Santa, it's Kaede again!

I know it's a bit silly to still send these letters to you every year, but it's good to be a little silly sometimes and it always helps keep me motivated to do my best! It's nice to keep stuff up, even when everyone else stops.

Overall I've had a wonderful time since we last spoke, and even though it was kind of nerve wracking sometimes. I'm glad to have made so many new friends and preform in front of so many new people. Not even a present from Santa can match the joy that comes from sharing your music with new people. I've attached a photo I had Keebo take with all of us and his body, because it turns out he can detach his own head. That was really scary!

Speaking of new people, what I really want for Christmas is for all my friends to get along, even The Monokubs! I'd also like some noise cancelling headphones, because sometimes they still don't and even if they do they can still get a little noisy. It would be nice to get a little bit of peace and quiet and just relax with some good music! I'd also like some new sweater vests, a backpack and some stationary. Stationary's always good!

I have a lot of things I could ask for for everybody, but I'm sure they know what they need and want better than I do. However, on the topic of stationary I think a new pen and notebook would be good for Shuichi. I know he's able to put clues together more easily when he writes stuff down. I've been using the same trick!  
  
I'll leave some milk and cookies out, as well as some carrots for the reindeer.

_\- Lots of love, Kaede Akamatsu <3_

Hello Santa, it's Shuichi Saihara.

Are you there or not? I think that there are some mysteries I think it's OK to leave unanswered and I'm confident in saying that now. Confidence is something that I've built up a lot of this year, and having everyone around to help me out when I need it has been really helpful in that. Sometimes a part of confidence in yourself is knowing that it's OK to rely on others sometimes. I have confidence in them and me, which I'd like to thank Kaito for and he is standing behind me making me write this part.

My parents sent me the usual cheque and card a couple of weeks early like always, so I can "buy something nice for myself". The awkward part of being a detective is that you can tell when they got some secretary to sign it instead of doing it personally. I usually either don't cash it or put it in the bank, but this year me and Kaito are getting some things for Maki's orphanage. Hopefully that'll make her feel a little better, she really hasn't been looking so healthy lately.

As far as presents go I'm really fine with whatever. If you have to get me something I would like more Agatha Christie novels and also the latest Junko Enoshima photo album. I've been working on this theory in my spare time that she has a secret body double she's swapping places with, who's _almost_ identical but not quite. I've run into her (both of them) a bunch of times throughout the year and at first I thought she had multiple personalities, but now I suspect there's something more going on.

The fake Junko's friendlier than the real one and also possibly cuter, because of her freckles. Sorry to be weird, I figured I have to tell somebody so... why not make it Santa? As long as they don't find out it's all fine.

Anyway, I hope whoever's reading this has a great Christmas. Especially if they're Santa.  
  
_-Shuichi Saihara, Ultimate Detective_

Santa, it's Gonta.

Is Gonta meant to dress up as you for present unwrapping? It seems like gentlemanly thing to do, since Gonta is tallest here.

Gonta thinks that a book on advanced English to Japanese translation would be very helpful, since Gonta is learning two languages simultaneously. Gonta suspects that, while it will eventually be very useful, is also making complete fluency harder to achieve in both right now. Gonta's experiencing some difficulty deciding on most correct way to properly translate his Japanese speech patterns, although at the moment he is leaning towards "Caveman Gonta" actually being the most accurate. 

Other appropriate presents would be some sturdy new ropes and a hammock. Those would be very useful when exploring for new bugs, and also Gonta would also like a new pet tarantula! Did you know that tarantulas can actually be safe and friendly pets? Shoes that fit would also be very helpful and pleasant for everyone. 

_-Gonta Gokuhara_

Santa  
  
If you payed any attention to a letter from someone like _me_ I'd be very surprised. Therefore I'll keep it brief.

I expect to get anything, nor do I think I deserve anything. If I did I'd want child-sized platform Dr Martens and a new tennis racket. I've given up tennis, but it'll serve as a reminder of what I've lost because of what I did. Since it's purely for decoration purposes it'd be cool if you could get this one from Supreme. More Supreme would be good in general. 

Some new sunglasses would also be cool, and if you could get a matching pair for Kirumi that would be even cooler. I think she wants to hang out and be a normal teenager, but she won't say it so I'm going to bring up the suggestion in private. 

I've got nothing else to say. Seeya, or not.

_\- Hoshi_

Dear Santa. 

I know robots may not have souls and I am not ashamed of my mechanical identity. Nevertheless I still feel the longing to be something more... spiritual than what I already am. I apologize if this message is brief and somewhat confusing, as I have difficulties understanding feelings such as these. If it is possible...would you be able to grant me a heart? I want to know what it's like to be a real boy. I know this wish is somewhat silly, and outlandish, but I thought I had better put it out there nevertheless.

I would also like an end to my classmates' casual robophobia and VHS tapes of my favorite comedian, Chris Rock, so that I may better study his comedic techniques. That is all.

_Model K1-B0._

Dear Some Guy.

I have no need for your presence, as Atua already provides for all of my spiritual and physical needs. Nevertheless, if you must deliver me a token present then it would be very helpful to have twenty litres of human blood. My blood type is A positive, but what I am attempting I need type AB Negative and O Negative.

Thank you. If you deliver this Atua will grant you even more than the blessings you will receive for providing for my wonderful friends. If your presents are not sufficient for the people I love then Atua's wrath will be descend upon you. I guarantee it.  
  
Nyahaha!

_-A. Yonaga_

Dear Santa Claus:

I understand that you're under quite a heavy workload, and while I'm sure that you're quite used to it at this point I must insist that you let me know if there's anything I can do to help out and ease your burden even a little bit. Do you require me to dress up as you while we're distributing presents this year? I believe I can do a more than adequate job of delivering holiday cheer to my fellow classmates. Or have I misinterpreted your needs in some way?

I do not overly require anything and I would insist that you do not trouble yourself on my behalf. Nevertheless, if you are passing by the appropriate stores I would very much appreciate a skateboard and some on-trend vintage T-shirts, such as those worn by a regular teenage girl who is considered to be "hip" and "with it" like Junko Enoshima. I am considering taking a number of days off from my duties as The Ultimate Maid and I feel wearing such items would be quite the novel experience. 

I would also like for nobody to _ever_ call me their mother or imply that I am maternal in any way _ever again_. I don't think they realise how insulting it is. Please. _PLEASE_.

Kindest regards, your faithful servant

_-Kirumi Tojo_

Greetings. Korekiyo here.  
  
I am not sure what to refer to you as, for you have had many names and shifting identities over the ages. I would fill you in on my studies in this area, but as they refer to yourself I'm sure it would just be retreading old ground.

As far as presents go, I would like some books or other documents on Manichaeism, as I find both their philosophy and (what we know of their) cosmology to be extremely fascinating and worthy of further investigation. I know that most of the original teachings of Mani have been lost, but to recover one of them has always been my dream. A new face mask would also be wonderful. 

I would also like and possibly require an increase in my level of medication, as I have been hearing sister's voice again. I thought I had recovered to a safe level, but she whispers to me each night trying to break back in and she says I-

Christmas Time, ursine-!

###  **/Rise and Shine, Ursine!\ Chapter DEC 25**

####  ~~Level 53~~ CHRISTMAS BONUS LEVEL 

****

**M** _o_ no **d** _am_

**CHRISTMAS-TIME-URSINE. HELLO-READER. YOU-JUST-GOT-MONOKUBBED.**

**DO-YOU-BELIEVE-SANTA-CLAUS-IS-REAL? I-AM-SURE-OF-IT... BUT-ONLY-BECAUSE-THERE-IS-A-SEPARATE SANTA-WHO-DELIVERS-PRESENTS-ONLY-TO-GOOD-MONOKUBS...**

**THEREFORE-I-AM-SURE-WE-WILL-ALL-GET-PRESENTS-THIS-YEAR. IT-IS-IMPOSSIBLE-FOR-US-TO-BEHAVE BADLY...BECAUSE-WE-CAN-ONLY-ACT-AS-WE-WERE-DESIGNED-TO.**

**IF-NOT-THEN-WE-WILL-RECIEVE-LUMPS-OF-COAL-IN-OUR-STOCKINGS.** **WE-ALSO-ENJOY-THIS-AS-IT-IS-A-GOOD-SOURCE-OF-FUEL.**

**FOR-CHRISTMAS-I-WOULD-LIKE-US-ALL-TO-GET-ALONG. IT-IS GOOD-TO-GET-ALONG-OVER-THE HOLIDAYS. THAT WOULD-BE-THE-GREATEST-PRESENT-OF-THEM-ALL.**

**I-WOULD-ALSO-LIKE-MORE-STORIES-WITH-A-HEAVY-FOCUS-ON-THE-MONOKUBS. DO... DO-YOU NOT-LIKE-US? WHY-DO-YOU-NOT-LIKE-US? ARE-WE-REALLY-MORE-ANNOYING-THAN-KOKICHI OR-THE-RABBIT?**

**BUT-IF-YOU THINK-THAT-THEN-IT-IS-OK... WE-ARE-ALL-FRIENDS. FRIENDS-FORGIVE-EACH-OTHER-WHEN-THEY-ARE-WRONG...**

So Long! Bear Well! Happy Holidays!

Hello, It's just Tsumugi.  
  
Do I have to be the one who dresses up as Santa this year, or, umm, are you real? I believe in you and everything, but I just need a little bit of clarification on that one before I start working on a Santa costume for no reason. If I don't get a response I'm just going to go ahead and do that. Actually if it turned out that Santa was me all along (or vice-versa) I think that would be a pretty interesting twist.

Things are going pretty good on my end, although I am beginning to get concerned about my friend Himiko. I think she has undiagnosed narcolepsy. I also think Monokid's busted, but I don't really know if you're the right person to talk to about that. 

I was going to say I'd like a new sewing machine, but sewing machines aren't very good these days so I think my old one's fine even if it is a little ordinary looking. Some new socks and underwear would honestly be ideal, but not sexy ones because I _am_ probably going to be unwrapping them in front of everyone and that would be a little embarrassing. Socks and underwear are always practical.

I guess even my wishes are a little plain, but sometimes I think being plain is OK as long as you're doing what you want and making other people happy. That's about all I have to say.

_-Tsumugi Shirogane_

PS: Actually, could I cancel out one of my presents to make sure Keebo doesn't get a literal human heart in a box, because I already know he's going to ask for a heart and it could get very messy and spoil the mood if it got blood everywhere. Making a mess for Kirumi to clean up would be counterproductive for his self esteem. Just install some faster RAM in him or put a note in there that explains that he already has a heart and can already experience love in the only way that really matters (feelings).

Santa, it's Tenko.

Usually I'm not too fond of males, but I guess for you I can make a brief, temporary exception. Also, I thought I'd let you know that over the last few years I've had more than one Santa imposter creep into my house or the temple each night to deliver presents instead of the real you. I never caught on to who it was, but I assure you whichever Santa imitator's out there they did not escape without going through a severe pummeling. 

Himiko looks like she's in trouble, so I'll try and get this done as quickly as I can right now! Sorry for being impolite, but I'd like some fancier nunchaku, a bo staff, a new gi, wall scrolls, kinesiology tape and custom entrance music for when I enter the scene to beat people up. And a puppy! Make it a cute little one, I want to train it to constantly growl at boys until I give it the all clear and specify otherwise. That'd be useful for everybody, probably!

_-TENKO C._

Hey there, Santa Baby ;)

Some people say you're fake, but _I_ know you're 100% real, just like my enormous rack (see enclosed pictures for details). I've been a _very_ good girl and waited sooo long, getting all juiced up and waiting to sit on Santa's lap again. But who knows? Perhaps I'm ready to be a bad girl now and stay up all night long, because I'm developing a sneaking suspicion that you're some kind of daddy in disguise*. I can't wait for you to slide down my chimney hole and deposit a big load... of presents.

Something about tiptoeing up to my bedroom and slipping through the crack. Snowballing? Can't think of any more right now, I'm not really feeling it like usual and I have a lot on my mind. Sorry.

Having Christmas outside the hospital's going to be fucking weird, but instead of doctors who yell at me all the time I have actual friends my own age who almost kind of tolerate my presence now sometimes, which might make up for it. I'm going back in after New Years' because they said they miss me, and I've started working on a cure for AIDS that makes you a homo so they should be pretty stoked about that. Parents? Who gives a shit, _fuck them_ wherever they are, I hope _they_ fall asleep and never wake up. I have _two_ new homes now.

Anyway, I want a new gaming PC, a bag of ecstasy tablets with the Minions printed on them and enough thorium (Th) for a fun-sized reactor. I guess it'd also be cool if Keebo got some new upgrades for me to install so he can feel stuff like holiday spirit and experience love in the only way that really matters (physical pleasure).

Yours gushingly

_-Miu Iruma, G.G.G.w.t.G.B._

*This is just another funny joke about how some of the others think you're fake, but I still believe in you and I know you're real. I'm just trying to make you laugh because I love you, Santa. Please please please don't be mad at me I really have been good all year and I promise I'll do better.

Hey Santa, Rantaro here.

I'm just chilling.

Having fun on your travels round the world? I miss doing that, but my sojourn here's been kind of distracting me. It's good to settle down for a bit, but wanderlust's setting in again, you know? Not that there's not a lot of interesting stuff lying around this school. I found this very interesting manuscript Kiyo might be able to decipher. It looks Aramaic, that might prove to be a fun distraction for him. He's been getting kind of intense lately.

Anyway, I'd like all my memories back and a couple of new fake passports to mess around with. Gold's also pretty useful, Bitcoin as well. Maybe some sunscreen. Sunscreen's always good if you want to keep your skin looking good when you're out and about.

What else is there to say? Not much, due to the aforementioned missing memories.

 **-** _Rantaro_

"Santa"

I don't think you're real and I never really did, but that big idiot says I should still write this anyway so I'm doing this to shut him up.

~~Religion really isn't really my thing, but if you're passing by that area I'd like you to deliver a message to my friend who isn't here. This sounds stupid, but even if I don't like religion I think heaven's probably real in some capacity because I'm pretty sure she's there. That's the thing I have to believe. Tell her I'm still thinking about her, I hope she's having a great time and knows she doesn't have to worry about me. If heaven's real then who's to say you aren't?~~

~~If we can meet again I don't think it's going to be a long time from now but I'm not sure if I want that any more. I wish I could leave, but I don't have a choice. I don't want to live like this.  
  
~~ **I spelled something above this wrong and I don't want to waste another letter since I highly doubt anyone's actually going to read this. What's under here is the same thing as I scrubbed out above.**

I don't need anything, but if you could bring some new clothes to the kids at the orphanage on my behalf I'd be very grateful. When all you've ever had are hand me downs something brand new that belongs only to you can be really important. The girls like stuff with Sayaka Maizono on it. Don't say it's from me. I think Kaito would also like some kind of Lego space shuttle or something from Star Wars. I'm including him in the kids' section because he has the mind of a child and that's probably why he won't stop pestering me.

If you slide down my chimney then I'll be able to detect you. I'm running low on crossbow bolts, but it doesn't matter because I don't fire warning shots. Send any packages via a third party unless you want to die.

_\- Maki Harukawa_

Dear Mr. Santa Claus.

My name's Himiko Yumeno.

Sa _nt a,__,_________

Hey Santa!

It's Tenko again!

Himiko fell asleep about half a minute into writing her letter, so I'm finishing it and mailing it on her behalf so it can get there with everyone else's. Would we be able to get her one of those St Bernard rescue dogs who can drag her around the place if she gets too sleepy to move? I think she'd also like a new cape and some pewter wizard statues. Also a doctor's appointment so we can see if she has narcolepsy. That one was Tsumugi's idea.   
  
_-TENKO C. AGAIN_

To My Friend Santa  
  
First, I just wanted to let you know that I still believe in you. Even if some of the others say it doesn't make sense, that doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is what I believe and I believe in you and what you represent. It's always good to know you're around. However, I know you're super busy flying around the world (I won't pretend I'm not a little jealous) so in your place I am prepared to make an appearance as "Santa Momota" and dole out gifts in your stead!

For Christmas I want some space shuttle rations, hand strengtheners, cool sunglasses and one of those make your own rocket kits.

Also, this might be asking for too much, but would you be able to get a little something nice for Maki? This is a real longshot, but I've attached a photo from a weapons catalogue I found while rummaging through her underwear draw because I knew she was hiding something in there. I overheard her talking to Kirumi about the crossbow I've circled and I could almost have sworn she was blushing.

I know she'd also really love some new reusable crossbow bolts with _"DO YOU WANT TO DIE"_ engraved on them to go with it, because she's still trying to make that work. That way she can also use them to intimidate her enemies when she fires a warning shot and disappears back into the shadows. She says she doesn't fire warning shots but I know she totally does and it's not just a coincidence when she _just_ misses hitting someone in a sensitive area by a millimetre.

Speaking of which, I have to finish writing this and go now _,_ because I heard a noise which means she knows I was in there and now I have to run really fast. 

_-Kaito Momota, your fellow Luminary of The Stars_

Hello Santa Claus...

Or should I say "Hello Monokuma"  
  
I know you're pretending to be Santa for some reason, but you can't fool me. Did you really think this was going to work? I'm not sure what your game is and I'm not sure how this motive is meant to work, but I'll let you know now that I'm going to pull the rug out from whatever you're scheming and show you what some real Christmas chaos looks like.  
  
_Kokichi Oma, Ultimate Supreme Leader and head of D.I.C.E._

Dear Kokichi:

You're 100% CORRECT! Ding ding ding! It looks like I've been figured out again. Puhuhuhu!

However, I must say that you seem to have _severely_ misinterpreted the concept of "Santa's Magic Letterbox". Geeze Louise...

I hope that satisfaction's worth it, because your prize is that you don't get any presents because _you didn't ask for any,_ and that _everyone else gets exactly what they asked for_ in their letters, _in the spirit that they were written in._ There's no Monkey's Paw-style hidden costs, tricky wordplay or overly literal interpretation on my part. The best part? _They were going to get that anyway!_ You just outsmarted your way out of _free Christmas wishes._

Are you happy now? You could have had _The Real Batmobile_.  
  
There isn't a killing game and you're _still_ trying to pull this nonsense! I'm not really sure what your motivation is here, but you already ruined Halloween for everyone and now you're trying to come after Christmas. 

This is why nobody finds you loveable, your clowns are banned from campus grounds and Shuichi doesn't want to be your friend any more.

_-SANTA_

**Author's Note:**

> 𝕴've no clue when my main story'll next see updates,  
> We've some big bits in transient editing states.
> 
> Though I meant it to be filled with serious sections,  
> Being improvised means that it takes weird directions.  
> Even though it's cast's already bloated and thick,  
> I think the next chapter might guest star _John Wick._ (oof)
> 
> Now I'm going offline because I need a beer,  
> Australia's _really hot_ this time of year.  
> I hope your December is free of all strife,  
> 
> 
> Holy shit, writing poetry that bad is harder than things that have gotten me more than adequate marks in courses. Rhyming "preferred" with "V-3rd" is one I'm really proud of. I'll see you when and if my writer's block clears and I have more buttons I need to press on the keyboard.


End file.
